It’s Tough to Be Nice: How to Make it Simple
They say nice gals/guys finish last.
Is that why I like winning?
There’s something to be said about competition. It can be fun, entertaining, and educational. I believe young people learn great lessons (some indelible; as discussed in the December 1, 2020 E-Impact Blog entry) from competing. Youth sports and competitive activities are an important part of our culture. I can point to many of my youth sports experiences when acknowledging life lessons.
The Big Lesson
The lesson that sticks out the most to me is how to be nice no matter the circumstances. It is indeed possible to have a “killer instinct” but still be kind.
A lot of times, anything goes “inside the lines”. But, we also operate as if we are within the lines too often.
I’m writing this portion of the entry from the sand of Ft. Lauderdale Beach. Most people around me are socially distanced and laying out quietly (including my wife who is reading next to me). There’s a small plane flying overhead. The water is empty because it’s pretty cold (for us South Floridians). This all seems relatively normal.
This is not the actual group, but it looked similar.
The only thing that sticks out is the small group of people working out out in front of us. They are blasting music (Rihanna-Work) bear crawling, squat jumping, and the leader is yelling at the other three people to perform better. She’s creating a competitive environment. They just broke out a big rope. I think I want to jump in and show them how it’s done (in the nicest way possible). The competition is good. It’s pushing them to workout harder and ultimately get in better shape.
I wouldn’t anticipate the competition turning ugly. It’s likely they all support each other and there will really be no winner.
Most people I have spoken with about CrossFit appreciate the atmosphere many gyms provide. It’s aggressive, yet supportive. The athletes push each other hard and also celebrate their improvements. If something doesn’t go well for someone, they encourage them. They are nice no matter the outcome. This is a great social environment.
There were certainly times in my youth sports career where I was a sore loser or a jerky winner. My coaches, and even teammates at times, had to show me to be nice to our opponents. Outside of cheating or intent to injure, there really is no need for anger towards the other team.
The workout crew has moved on to high-knees and jumping jacks at this point. I want in.
You can be mad at yourself for losing, or messing up in a competition, but not your opponents. They’re just executing. The challenge arises when there is foul play. You must withhold your harmful actions when your anger rightfully kicks in. In other words, it’s okay to be mad, but not okay to take it out on someone else.
Life as an “Adult”
Many would argue that I am not much of an adult. But, you have to give me credit for being a productive member of society. I held a job for a solid twelve years before ultimately resigning to pursue an entrepreneurial dream. I communicate on a mass scale (this blog, Speaking of Impact, and the new #founderjam TwitterChat, check it out Fridays at 2pm et streaming on many platforms). At least I’m heard.
I can admit that I don’t have many “adult like” tendencies. However, the lesson of “niceness” has carried me since I left undergraduate studies.
After graduating from Hofstra University in 2005 with a degree in Speech Communication and Rhetorical Studies (minor in Psychology, an interesting story for another entry), I headed back to South Florida (to escape the cold) and to the University of Miami. I was going to study broadcast journalism in graduate school. While I was there I was immersed in a small group of very diverse students.
My early years in South Florida were rather diverse and Hofstra is definitely not isolated. But, there was something unique about joining a small group of young, burgeoning journalists. We came from all walks of life, corners of the Earth, and with different lifestyles.
There wasn’t an official…
The workout coach just said, “The faster you go, the faster it’s done!” How true is that? I’ve decided not to join the group, but I will remember that tomorrow morning when I’m doing agility drills.
…competition, but we were effectively competing for a limited amount of journalism jobs. It’s a pretty challenging industry. Most television anchors have to work in very small markets for years with the intent to put together a reel (video resume) so they can present it to the managers of larger stations.
The graduate program that I was in was very fast paced. I lived at home, but would commute to the school (about 45 minutes one way, if I left at 6am) daily. I spent much of the day there working on news stories and written work in between classes and our weekly broadcast. It only lasted 15 months, but it was intense. By the end, we were all friends and wished the best for each other in our careers. It’s fascinating to look back and see where everyone’s career has gone. Our professor was a long time CBS executive and has since retired.
During that 15 months, there were some major ups and downs. There was pressure to produce a real television broadcast and graduate level law and ethics courses. Each of us also wrote an article for the Miami Herald. It was a tremendous experience. We ended up carving out roles for ourselves. Our final broadcasts were the best because we settled into where we fit best on the team.
I found myself being most effective as the Executive Producer (EP). Maybe it was my ego or maybe I just applied the lessons I learned as a young athlete.
I saw our one hour broadcast as a microcosm of the entire year. We were a team of “adults” with different backgrounds and different skillsets. We had women, men, homosexuals, heterosexuals, Jews, Christians, atheists, blacks, whites, hispanics, artists, athletes, blondes, brunettes, and people with other demographic characteristics. We had people who were great on camera, others who were best operating the camera. There was one kid (“adult”) who was clearly the best field reporter. One girl was a tremendous weather reporter. Another kid, was an amazing director, and now owns his own company where he directs incredibly educational travel videos. One of them even went on to become a national sports radio host.
Our team took time to gel. We started the school year competing with each other for jobs and comparing reels. I remember multiple arguments in our small workspace. I bet yelling could be heard from outside. I also remember people getting extremely frustrated during the first few news shows.
I learned that as the EP it was paramount to be nice to people. It was VERY hard. The whole broadcast’s success was pinned on me. I was like the quarterback of a football team. If we “won”, I got much of the credit. If we “lost”, I was to blame.
It was hard to be nice in all situations because everyone on the team relied upon someone else to do their job well. The anchors relied on the sound person and the camera people. The field reporter relied on an editor and the director to fit the story in correctly. The director relied on the people in the studio to execute his or her commands correctly so that the show looked great on television.
The reliance on each other led to disagreements, arguments, and quite a bit of blaming. Everyone wanted to protect themselves. It often led to some mean actions. When I was in charge (we rotated jobs, I wasn’t always the EP), I made it my primary focus to keep a positive atmosphere. It was easy to let people argue it out or place blame on others. I think the faculty knew this. In fact, I am sure they expected us to do it at times. Although it wasn’t an official grading criteria, I believe it had an effect on our evaluations.
We were young adults still learning to work as a team and exist with other people in the work force. It was experiential learning at its finest (discussed in ########).
3 Kindness Tools
When something is hard, I look for strategies to help me with it. The great thing about being nice is that although it’s hard, it’s simple. Apply these steps to your thought process in all situations of conflict.
Always assume that there are other people experiencing the situation differently than you are.
When I won a little league baseball game (unlike the game from the September 8, 2020 E-Impact Blog entry) there was inevitably a losing side. It was fun for me, but not so fun for the losers. And yes, they were losers. It’s okay to be a “loser”. We need to change the stigma.
Identify the possible other points of view and what others would like in relation.
We just left the beach. The parking lot was packed. I could tell there were people who were frustrated by the back log. My wife made a comment about how we were lucky to arrive early enough to avoid the high traffic volume. When you’re hot and sweaty and ready to leave, you just want to go. We headed almost directly to the car, but my wife took a minute to alert someone searching for a spot that we were leaving. It wasn’t a life-changing offer, but she may have made their life a bit easier by alerting them of our departure.
Promote it!
This is the fun part. We get to talk about being nice. It’s absolutely contagious. Impactmakers will make being nice the thing to do. The losing little league team and the person searching for a parking spot at the beach are likely to remember how they were treated during a time of frustration.
“Real” Adult Life
We should all be a little nicer with a simple system to execute kindness. Being “real” is just being honest with ourselves and one another. When you’re uncomfortable with something, it’s okay. It’s also okay to make it known in a nice way. In turn, be accepting when others do the same.
Your family life, your professional life, and your philanthropic life will no doubt come with disagreements and disappointments. I believe there are tools to help minimize the tough times, but this is not that sort of text. This is just to help us be more accepting of our own shortcomings and those of others. If we do that, we’ll live in a more encouraging and enjoyable world.
Use competition to motivate.
Use kindness to inspire.
You’re a nice gal/guy.